Reeses: Can You Be Wrong?
By Anna Rankin


There is, in fact, a wrong way to eat a Reeses. Now, before you go tootling your anti-discrinimatory horn at me, hollering about the American citizen's God-given right to consume peanut-filled sugar confections in any way that suits them, just give me a chance to make my point. Now, I think we all (excluding those fascists enitrely against junk food) can agree that there is nothing wrong with putting a delicious Reeses in one's mouth and chewing until all that's left is a slobbery mass of hydrogenated oils, caffiene, and high fructose corn syrup. No one's debating that. There are, however, RIGHT and WRONG ways to go about this daunting task.

First to be considered, before you even ATTEMPT to put your plan into action, are the moral consequences of your activities. You must ask yourself - and answer honestly: Is what I'm doing RIGHT? Sure, we all face these kinds of decisions at all points in our lives, whether it be about stealing a donut, kicking a child, or dealing crack cocaine to underprivileged teens. These particular examples may be gray areas, but it's best to look at the implications of what you're doing when it comes to eating a Reeses peanut butter cup. Would your mother be proud of you if she saw what you were doing to that confection? Would your priest? Would the CEO of the Hershey's company smile on you, or turn away in disgust and shame over what you've done to his product? Don't degrade the sweet... cherish it, with a wholesome respect and desire for its chocolatey goodness.

The effects of your method must be viewed in another light: Is what you're doing dangerous to you physically, or to those around you? For instance, while it may seem the pinnacle of style to be able to juggle Reeses into your gaping maw while balancing on a unicyle at the brink of a cliff, it is not nessecarily safe to do so. One of the saddest examples I will cite is that of Mr. I. Quincy, the unfortunate soul who thought it was a good idea to launch a peanut butter cup into his mouth by means of firecracker. I feel that I need not go into details, as the gruesome case was widely publicized at the time. Regardless, Quincy serves as a tragic example of Reeses consumption gone wrong, and as warning for future pioneers in the field of confectionary rocketry.

The final factor in determining the correctness of your attempt to eat a cocoa-embalmed nugget of nutty joy is the ultimate success of said attempt. Did the Reeses actually, physically make it to your stomach through the proper channels? Now, I realise that there are quite a few connotations attached to the word "eat," but for the purposes of this article, we will define it as it pertains to the physical ingestion, followed by the digestion and eventual passing through the gastric system of an item of unquestionable edibility. That definition, vague as it may be, precludes some of the the more outrageous human activities from the list of correct ways to eat a Reeses. Riding a bike, for example, or putting a horse out of its misery, does not even come close.

"But wait!" you may cry. "Those activities don't even involve that choco-nutty nirvana-inducing candy nominally!" I agree. They do not. A better example, then, would be the melting of several hundred Reeses cups and then the act of bathing in the resultant mixture. This, unless you drink your bathwater, would not result in the ingestion of a Reeses. On the contrary, you would merely end up covered in a congealed sludge about the consistency of a pumpkin pie smoothie. One of the more hotly debated techniques is the rectal insertion of a Reeses cup. This is not, and I repeat, is NOT an approved or effective way to eat a Reeses - in fact, it's just plain WRONG. While the dessert may have entered your digestive system, it has not been ingested and will only cause discomfort and swelling.

There are so many RIGHT ways to eat a Reeses! One might go for the traditional favorite and simply toss it into one's mouth. One might eat the center first, then the edges - or even try it the other way around! Heck, if you're feeling particularly adventureous, you could even make a S'more with one of those wonderful confections. With all the possibilities out there, it's easy to forget that there ARE wrong ways to eat a Reeses. As long as you're careful, though, and deliberate on the consequences of your actions, I'm sure your peanut-butter cup consuming experience will be one of joy and rapture.