The Soap Opera
By Anna Rankin
All right, after some extensive research, I have discovered (thanks to our friend, the interweb) How Soap Works! It was confusing at first, but after seeing the pretty diagrams, I understand how soap makes things easier to clean. It always seemed to me that soap was some magical substance, infused with the ability to eradicate all forms of impurity. At least, before I tried to do the laundry.

Anywho, here’s the lowdown on the grease cop. First, we start out with water (named Wanda) who, being the non-violent type, just can’t seem to get rid of the neighborhood goons by herself.

Soap is made up of two molecules. And they’re mixed. The first one is a carbon dioxide molecule, and it has a negative charge. He’s a hydrophile, meaning he loves Wanda like a pedophile loves kids. (Cough.) We’ll call this molecule "Ernie". The other molecule is hydrophobic, and he won’t have anything to do with Wanda. He doesn’t even like touching her. He’s rather apathetic, and has no charge whatsoever. We’ll call him "Carl".

Though Carl and Ernie don’t share many common interests when it comes to Wanda, they love to get together and make "micelles". These micelles are groups they get into, with the Carls clustered together in the middle and the Ernies, holding hands, form a sphere on the outside.

This little micelle is all negative. Just like Ernie. And since negative people only like to find positive people (because there’s no challenge in bringing down a pre-saddened person), the micelles bounce off each other and spread throughout Wanda’s house! Ernie is pleased.

Well, when it’s just Ernie, Carl, and Wanda, everything works great. However, nothing’s getting clean. Things like grease (we’ll call him Greg) and oil (Ollie) don’t spread throughout Wanda’s house alone but rather stick together in tight groups, so that she alone can’t get rid of those dirty dudes. Well, Ernie will do anything for his sexy Wanda, so whenever he encounters them, he breaks up the gang, grabs Ollie and Greg by the shirt collars a nd drags them into the micelle with Carl. Carl then beats them to a pulp, and Wanda turns the hose on them and washes them all away!

Now you know how soap works. Or at least, my rendition of how soap works. I’d like to thank the cast for their stellar performance. (Wanda, Ernie, Carl, Greg, and Ollie take a bow.) Look, now you’re smarter! Sort of.