By Catherine Fertel
Hello, and welcome to Ask Catherine, your number one source of advice for darn near everything! I, as you may have guessed, am Catherine Fertel.
The format here is the same as any advice column: A letter of complaint or question is written up, signed with a series of adverbs, adjectives, possibly some nouns, and a location ("Suddenly Furry in Virginia" or "Forever Quacking in Wisconsin," for example), and sent in. A response is then considered and typed up for the column.
I request that you please send your queries, troubles, or accounts of your most recent extraterrestrial encounters to catherinefertel@gmail.com. I request that you type "The Chronicles of the Young and the Clueless" or "Ask Catherine" as the subject. That way, I will not think you're a SPAM robot. (They exist, I swear.)
Thank you,
Catherine Fertel
Q.
How do you tell someone that they have an offensive odor without offending the offender?
--Rather Offended in a Locker Room
A.Well, one could become a sociopath, lose all empathy, and simply tell the offender to his/her/its face that he/she/it smells a bit too much like what would happen if rotten eggs and gas station bathrooms fell for one another, shared some romantic evenings, and one gestation period later had a love-child. Or there's always the option that does not result in one being carried away to the nearest hospital in an ambulance (although you may prefer the whirring lights): Tell the smelly person that the boss/teacher/king, in the past, has only given money/good grades/freedom to those employees/students/peasants who wear Aramis/CHANEL No. 5/some other perfume. Who wouldn't miss the opportunity to collect a lil mo' dough? Soon, The Offensively Odorous One will be drenched in the scent of your choice. And nobody got hurt in the process!
--The Lovely Katenka
Q.
Is the Sun made of cheese? I really want to eat it.
-- The Muffin Man
A. Although the sun may resemble a sphere of glowing, hot, melted, yellow American cheese, it is in actuality composed of glorious elements. Namely, approximately seventy percent hydrogen, twenty-eight percent helium, and a final two percent of assorted metals. However, the Sun undergoes constant nuclear fusion, changing its remaining hydrogen to more helium. Because the Sun, due to its chemical reactions, reaches temperatures near 5800 Kelvin, it is not advised that you attempt to consume it. You just might burn yourself in the process.
-- The Lovely Katenka
Q. You see, there's this dude, this dude who disturbs me, this dude who bugs me to no end. Now, tell me, this is not anything new, correct? However, I find that he just happens to be spying. Not spying in the conventional sense, just sneaking. He thinks he knows what I may think, when really he has no idea, and thinks he knows how to correct the situations. He looks up the sites I go to on the computer, holds secret little conferences on my behavior, and searches for even the smallest things that I may do to yell or spread about. He looks for the bad in everything I do, and insists on finding a way to punish me for it. He is crowding my space, and shoving me out of it. This woman tells me it is only because he loves me, and attempts to make me feel bad about what I have to say by implying and throwing the idea at me that I hate him. I do not hate him, he simply pisses me off. The farther away I am, the better. Unfortunately he is a member of my household, and my senior. He twists all I do around, and in those secret little conferences, poisons this woman against me. I know because I have heard him, saying that I just don't care about them and that basically I am a "selfish bitch." He thinks I lie about everything, and investigates my every move. He has turned my household into a place of dread, and made me extremely angry. His hold on my life and this woman have tightened and I fear they continue to do so. He does all of this undercover, and makes it seem to others that he is the good guy, and I am the "antagonist," the one to ruin all things good, the one who will screw up everyone's life, and that I must be put under control because if I get out of hand I will turn our world into a place unfit to live. I have no doubt he loves me, for he is concerned about what I may do to myself when I am alone, but has completely wrong views on how I got this way and has spread these views to the woman. It has become quite clear to me that they simply do not trust me, and I have no idea why they wouldn't for I have done nothing to make them question my honesty. Frankly,
I am a very honest person, and a well-behaved young lady (for the most part). Now my question to you is: How can I stop the insanity, make this woman realize how I really feel, and throw the tyrannical psychopath out of his position of self-appointed importance? This must be done quietly and sneakily, for if my plan is seen prematurely, they will both turn on me and home could get worse. Thus, as a last resort, I turn to you, because I feel as if my home, the home I so shortly ago loved to be in, has turned into a sneaky, silent battlefield, and I feel as if I am a pawn in a game of chess of three, losing badly, and running out of ingenious moves. Home should not be this way, you agree? So, i ask for your serious suggestions. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
--Angry On Saturn
A. Wow, this is some important, serious stuff for my first question. However, since it is obvious that this matters to you greatly, I will try my best. I'm sure you've heard this before, but how often do you talk with "this woman?" Telling her exactly how you feel about him, without sounding too angry, may be the best place to start. If you talk with her while sounding angry, she is less likely to believe you and more likely to blame your anger on "over-reacting" (which you are not, at all). When certain aspects of his behavior start to drive you out of your skull, write down exactly how you feel and what specifically caused it. Then, when you feel that you are able to speak calmly for a good length of time, try talking with her. Show her what you've written. (Putting things on paper is always good: People are bound to take you more seriously. It's true.) It may take some time and a whole lot of effort to make her see that you're suffering, but the wait and energy you put in will be worth it. Now, about this "dude:" As much as he, excuse my French, pisses you the Hell off, you still recognize that he loves you. That is great, great maturity for someone so wrapped up in this situation. I commend you. Have you tried talking with him? It may sound silly and repetitive, but the more you communicate, the better everyone's understanding will be. Take the same approach that you used to talk with said woman: Keep a log of what he does and says to make you feel hurt, misunderstood, and betrayed. Be very detailed, and use "I statements" (instead of "you made me feel bad," try "I feel bad because of this"). Approach him once you feel calm enough to dedicate some time to talking, and tell him what you've told me. Again, it may take some time and effort on your part and his to get him to understand. In the mean time, please be well, and focus yourself on communicating. It will be hard for everyone involved, but the end result will definitely be worth it. Best of luck to you all (but especially you).
--The Lovely Katenka
Q: Where will Catherine's questions and answers go?
--A Questioner
A: This is where Catherine's questions and answers will go.
--The Lovely Katenka